i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
