so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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