seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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