But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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