...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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