How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
