I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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