having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
