i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
