the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
