Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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