ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
