Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
