I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
