He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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