Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
