ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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