Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
