After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
