She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
