I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
