dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
