I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
