Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
