Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
