proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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