Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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