i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
