Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
