this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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