She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
