the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
