we have pet lesbian snakes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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