I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
