I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
