Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
