I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
