I wish I could teleport
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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