I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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