I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
