Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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