Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day