beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
