all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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