Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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