My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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