This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
