I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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