Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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