I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
