Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All the doctor said was why
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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