Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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