Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
