I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
