I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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