im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
