I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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