if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
