so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
