I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
