Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
